So as I'm sitting here my wonderful amazing stepdaughter has decided she needs to watch the 2019 Eurovision Song Contest. This is, as they say, a thing.

In case you're intested I got the job, 3 months contract starting Monday. Which is pretty awesome. Despite, or possibly because, of my difficulities in social situations I tend to interview well. I find that being honest and enthusiastic goes a long way. Having now done a lot of interviews (which are really tiring) I know that a lot of it comes down to how you come across.

I've said it often enough in my life that growing up in a pub and waiting tables from an early age really helped me. You need to learn how to deal with people and I did it a lot.

(Side note the Australian Entry.... bizarre)

So I've had a week off and mostly played Valheim because it's hecka addictive. But I've also spent some time using Godot and I'm going to try to keep working on projects over the next few months.

And I'm going to try and keep writing here, even if it's nonesense rambles like this. But right now I need to play a game with some nice loud music.

I had a job interview for a contracting role today. I think it went well and should find out soon if I got the gig. I also got my last pay check from my previous full time role.

So I spent a large chunk of the day freaking out, am I doing the right thing? Am I being foolish? If there's one thing I'm good at it's self hatred and a goodly dose of impostor syndrome. I can't take my talents or accomplishments seriously when I'm looking at them myself. It's like when there's a games convention (or just an adventure to run) before it starts I'm a ball of nerves and fear. Sometimes it gets too much and I have to call it off, but if I push through I find the other side is great.

Because, and I really need to remember this, once I'm in an interview or I'm at the table about to run a game it alls kicks in. Whilst I might not rate myself I can't help but tell the truth, I've had lots of experience in the web sphere for almost 20 years professionally and almost 30 years all told. And I've yet to encounter a technical challenges I can't take on, given a run up...

And the gaming? Once the dice start rolling and the words start flowing I remember why I love roleplaying and my ability to keep a story flowing in an interesting fashion.

Anxiety can kill. But I know I can beat it. If you need help with it know I'm here for you.

I said I'd write every day. I didn't say it would always be long. But short is better than nothing.

I was very angry last night reading another of the standard set of stories for "Why torture isn't that bad and can work". You know the one right? No? Ok here's you basic one.

You have a nasty nasty terroist man in custody, he's probably swarthy and bearded. He's planted a bomb in the city and he's mocking you with the knowledge that it'll explode soon.

Well of course you have to torture him to get the information before the bomb goes of. That's just obvious. Isn't it?

Ok. Now you've got a swarthy bearded guy in a room and he's not talking. You have credible information that he has knowledge of the location of a bomb in the city and you need it.

Guess it's time for the fingernail pliers again.

Whoop, there's another bomb, apparently, the information is legitimate. All the swarthy bearded men have long since been evicted but you are pretty sure this angry white boy knows something. He won't talk though, keeps asking for a lawyer. No time for that though... Bomb rememeber? Eventually he tells you a location but there's nothing there, his accomplises must have moved it. Eventually he names names.

...

One of the reasons I abandoned my faith was because I learnt the history of the Catholic Church (and the the others). It's not the only reason but it's up there. The church used torture to extract "confessions" for witchcraft from hundreds of women. Because if you're in enough pain, if you're broken and beaten and you know that all you need to do to get the pain to go is confess eventually you will.

Eventually everyone cracks under torture, but that doesn't mean it works, because cracking just means you start telling the people what you think they want to hear. The you consort with the devil and cast spells and curses. The you know where the bomb is. Any confabulation to make the pain go away.

But not just that. That's just the icing on the cake really. The fact that yes, if you put someone through enough pain they will break down and babble secrets to get you to stop.

I truly belive we have one life on this world, that our only impact is in the changes we can make on it. To make it better or worse, to move us towards a world where we all have a chance to excel or one where stupid evil bastards rule over ignorant peasants... again. I know which world I want and that world doesn't torture people.

You'd think that belivers in a loving god wouldn't torture people. But... the mental logistics they went through to do it were impressive. Because this is the thing, if you want to do something horrible you'll convince yourself it's good. That you're saving them.

We live in dark times. I hope we live through them.